Off the Bleep End
by anonymous789
Summary: As the Loud family discovered, it wasn't the D-word Lily exclaimed at the end of "Potty Mouth". And Rita is not happy at all. Now the rest of her children are about to find out just how "bleep" in trouble they're really in!
1. Grawlix In the Family

**Author's Note**

Hello, friends and fans!

While experiencing a recent case of writer's block during my revising and rewriting the last chapter of "A Tattler's Wail of a Tale", I happened to come across an airing of "Potty Mouth" on TV. Though I'm glad to say it got my creative juices flowing again, it was for a completely different idea. And I felt this opportunity was too good to pass up.

That being said, I hope you enjoy the first part of this brief two-shot set after the bleep heard at the end of "Potty Mouth".

 _The Loud House_ , including its characters, episodes, and dialogue are the property of Nickelodeon and Chris Savino.

—

Chapter 1: Grawlix In the Family

With a baker's dozen inhabiting the residence located at 1216 Franklin Avenue in Royal Woods, Michigan, the Loud House has always lived up to its namesake.

But today was one of the very rare instances where the Loud House was, in fact, silent. At that moment in time, you could've heard a pin drop.

This was because the youngest member of the extensive Loud family, 15-month-old Lily, had just angrily blurted out a very colorful expletive. It just so happened that the expletive in question started with the same number of letters it contained.

Following the toddler's outburst, twelve jaws had dropped in pure, unadulterated shock. As if to exemplify said shock, a picture frame had also dropped to the floor and shattered on impact.

Once the shock value of the situation finally wore off, the matriarch of the Loud family, Rita, walked over to Lily, picked her up and handed the toddler over to her husband, Lynn Sr.

"Honey, take Lily upstairs," she spoke in a firm, fuming voice. Recognizing his wife's sudden change in tone, Lynn Sr. silently and obediently brought Lily upstairs.

Once Lynn Sr. left the room, Rita turned back to her other 10 children. Lori, Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lincoln, Lucy, Lana, Lola and Lisa noticed that their mother had now furrowed her eyebrows, angrily pursed her lips, and was red in the face. "The rest of you . . . in the dining room . . . _now_." She extended her arm and pointed to said location.

This caused the ten Loud children to nervously gulp in unison.

—

It was dead silent all around the dining room table. At the head of the table sat Rita, with her hands folded and her head bowed in deep concentration, almost as if in prayer. She inhaled sharply through her nose and slowly exhaled through her mouth. She repeated this process a few more times before finally raising her head, opening her eyes and surveying the scene before her. Her children were watching and waiting with bated breath; fear was etched in their faces and evident in their body language. Beads of sweat had promptly begun to form on their foreheads. It was painfully obvious that the suspense was killing them.

At long last, the Loud matriarch broke the silence.

"Does anyone have anything to say about that . . . colorful expletive . . . I just heard come out of my 15-month-old daughter's mouth?"

Lincoln chuckled sheepishly and hesitantly spoke up. "Uh, what, um . . . makes you . . . think it was us, Mom?"

Rita, however, was not impressed with her only son's attempt at deflection. " _'Please don't blame Lily for saying the D-word—it's our fault'?_ " she parroted. Lincoln nervously rubbed the back of his head and turned his gaze away from his mother.

Rita then turned to her eldest daughter, Lori. " _'She was literally just imitating our bad behavior'?_ " Lori bit her lip nervously and, like her brother, turned away from her mother's judgmental glare. "Lana, Luna, Lynn, does that include your earlier meddling during Lily's interview?"

The three aforementioned Loud girls exchanged uncertain glances with each other. Unfortunately, it served to confirm in Rita's mind that there must have been a reason for the meddling in the first place.

"That's what I thought. Now, who wants to tell me what happened while your father and I were gone?"

In response, each of the Loud sisters touched their noses with their index fingers. "Dibs, not it!" they collectively shouted.

Realizing what was going on, Lincoln quickly followed suit. Unfortunately, he was the last one to do it. "Daaa-arn it!" he shouted, quickly stopping himself at the last minute. "I always lose that!"

Lincoln shot daggers at his sisters, who looked back at him apologetically, before turning his attention to his mother. She had now crossed her arms and was tapping the index finger of her right hand methodically against her left arm.

With another nervous chuckle, Lincoln once more worked up to nerve to speak. "Well, you see, it's kind of a long story, Mom."

"Then make it short," Rita curtly demanded.

"Um, o-okay, then. When we first thought Lily had cursed, we enacted 'Operation: Delete the D-word', and spent the hour before Lily's interview trying to extract said word from her vocabulary by trying to have her imitate better behavior. We orchestrated different, uh, events that would've led to us saying the D-word. But we ended up substituting the results for something more . . . age appropriate in hopes that Lily would imitate that instead." Once Lincoln finished, he again chuckled nervously.

Rita, however, showed no emotion and retained her stone cold glare. She looked to her right. Then she looked to her left. A long, tense minute passed before she spoke up again.

"Well, then. It would seem as if we have an epidemic on our hands. Which means, there's only one thing to do."

The Loud matriarch leaned to her right, reaching under the table and then pulled up a small white bowl. Inside the bowl were what looked to be a plethora of multicolored hard candies. Rita set the bowl in front of Lori.

"Ooh, candy!" Leni said excitedly.

"Take one and pass the bowl around," Rita instructed.

Lori obeyed, taking a light blue hard candy and popping it in her mouth before pushing the bowl down to Leni. Leni then copied her older sister, taking a turquoise hard candy and then moving the bowl over to Luan, who extracted a yellow hard candy from the bowl before sending it on its way. This process repeated in a counterclockwise fashion, with each Loud child taking their respective colored hard candy and transporting the bowl around the table. When the bowl finally got back to Rita, it was empty.

All around the table, the Loud children savored their sweet treat. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad, after all.

"Mmm. Are these supposed to be jawbreakers?" Lincoln asked.

"It's unlike any jawbreaker I've had before," Lynn replied.

"It's got this distinctive flavor I literally can't put my finger on," Lori inputted.

"If my taste buds are correct, they're starting to detect a bitter, salty taste to this confectionary," Lisa analyzed.

"Yeah, I'm noticing that, too, dude," agreed Luna, her expression slowly changing from delight to disgust. One by one, the rest of the siblings conjured up the same looks on their faces.

"Holy shamoley!" exclaimed Lola with revulsion. "What kind of jawbreaker is this, Mom?"

"Well, I hate to _jawbreak_ it you, kids, but this isn't candy," Rita told them humorlessly.

"Ha, ha, ha, good one, Mom!" Luan laughed aloud. "But seriously, if these aren't jawbreakers, then what are they?"

"They're bath soap beads."

Ten sets of eyes widened in horror.

—

And now, the _real_ soap opera is about to begin!

Reviews, comments and concerns are always welcome!

Thanks again for reading!


	2. Grawlix Deal

**Author's Note**

Welcome back, one and all!

Thank you all for your kind words and support! It really means a lot to me.

Since Lincoln has already admitted that he and his sisters have used the D-word, it only felt logical to me that they might've also used the curse word Lily parroted at the end of "Potty Mouth" at some point in the past, whether it was intentional or not.

On a brief side note, since "Potty Mouth" aired on a Wednesday, I'm having this story set on that specific day. You'll see why as you read. If you get the reference, more power to you!

Lastly, I just want to say that I don't condone child abuse in any way, shape or form. This story is only meant to be satirical, in that regard.

 _The Loud House_ , including its characters, episodes, and dialogue are the property of Nickelodeon and Chris Savino.

—

Chapter 2: Grawlix Deal

Upon realizing what they were in the process of consuming, the ten Loud children prepared to eject the bath soap beads from their mouths. Unfortunately for them, Rita had anticipated this.

"Do not spit them out until I say so!" she ordered. Her booming voice prevented the kids from following through.

"Now, I can't punish Lily because she doesn't know any better," resumed Rita. "But the rest of you do. And you all should've known better than to use that kind of language around her. I can't imagine what would've happened if Dr. Shuttleworth had heard that expletive come out of Lily's mouth."

"I mean, I admit, we all have had a couple—Uggh!— slips of the tongue or two," Lincoln said with some difficulty. After all, trying to talk around a bath soap bead will do that to someone. "But, Mom, you have to—Yechh!—believe us that we would never have used _that_ word in front of Lily."

With the same degree of difficulty their brother exhibited, Luna, Lynn, Leni, Lisa, Luan and Lola and Lana, respectively, also spoke up in an overlapping fashion.

"Yeah, honest, dude!"

"Absolutely not!"

"Like, never in a million years!"

"Scientifically impossible."

"No joke!"

"Bluebell scouts' honor!"

"Either way," the Loud matriarch concluded once the caterwauling died down. "You're all still guilty of cursing in this house. Now since you felt compelled earlier to try and change your _bad behavior_ , I feel compelled to contribute, as well. However, I think my method will have a longer-lasting impact." She reached into her pocket and took out her cellphone. After making a couple of adjustments on the screen, she set the phone down in front of her on the table.

"So here's what we're going to do. You're going to keep those bath soap beads in your mouths for exactly one minute."

Ten sets of eyes widened again; this time, it was in shock.

"If any of you spit them out during this process, I will reset the timer," warned Rita.

"What?!" came ten stunned voices.

"If any of you _talk_ during this process, I will reset the timer," warned Rita further. "Whether you choose to let this punishment run its course or prolong is entirely up to you. Is that understood?"

Each of the Loud children fervently nodded their heads.

"Then let's begin." She tapped the screen of her phone and the stopwatch it displayed started running.

—

As they fought the urge to regurgitate, the Loud kids took this time to gather their thoughts and reflect on their punishment.

 _I've always been a lover of the darkness, the macabre, and even torture_ , Lucy thought solemnly. _But this might be too much torture, even for my liking._ With the awful, lingering taste of the soap bead, Lucy found it hard to suppress the temptation to verbalize a groan.

 _I've eaten some grody things before, but I'd rather eat peanut butter and sauerkraut than this garbage,_ reflected Lana distastefully. Lana then quickly covered her mouth with both hands and suppressed a gag.

 _I wonder if Dad's Weinerschnitzel will get this taste out of my mouth,_ Lincoln wondered. His eyes started to water.

 _What to do? What to do?_ Lola angrily contemplated in her mind. She furrowed her eyebrows. _Hock a loogie in her coffee? Write on the wall with her makeup? Hold the car keys for ransom?_ But like her twin Lana, she, too, suddenly covered her mouth and suppressed a gag. _Well, it'll at least be worse than this!_

 _Does this mean I've been putting shaving cream on my ice cream this whole time?_ Leni pondered introspectively. The thought suddenly made her face turn green.

 _32 . . . 33 . . . 34 . . . 35 . . ._ Lisa counted methodically in her head. _Could time go any slower?_ Then another thought crossed her mind. _I wonder if my wig could be used as a barf bag . . ._

 _Normally, I'd find humor in this, but I've got no soap, radio,_ Luan internally joked. Upon further reflection, though, she frowned and cast her eyes downward. _Dang it! It sounded funnier in theory._ Suddenly, she squeezed her eyes shut and puckered her lips in disgust. _At least that joke was in better taste than this bath bead._

 _Talk about taking one for the team_ , Lynn complained as she crossed her arms irritably. _Go, team, go!_ she finished off sarcastically. Her nose began to run, so she wiped the snot away with the palm of her right hand.

 _I bet Mick Swagger never had to go through this, dude,_ Luna postulated. She then felt a chill go up her spine and forced herself to shake it off.

 _Oh, do I literally have a few choice emojis about Mom that I'm going to text to Bobby later,_ Lori fumed. She would've continued that train of thought had it not been derailed by the sudden need to cover her mouth and suppress her gag reflex.

"Aaaaand . . . time!" Rita suddenly announced. She tapped the screen of her cellphone again and the timer stopped. Ten sets of eyes turned to face the Loud matriarch. "I must say, I'm impressed with you guys," Rita followed up. "I was almost sure I'd have to reset the timer at least once or twice, but you proved me wrong."

The siblings tried to smile proudly, but were only partially successful in doing so due in part to the soap beads still contaminating the insides of their mouths.

"I hoped you kids learned something today from this."

"We sure did, Mom," Lincoln answered. "We'll never swear around Lily again. We promise to set a better example for Lily in the future, especially since she'll be entering daycare. By this time next week, we'll make sure that we're a much better influence on how Lily imitates our behaviors."

His sisters voiced their agreement the best they could.

"I'm glad to hear that," replied Rita. "But since you kids want to talk like sailors, you're now going to work like sailors. For the next month, you're going to clean this entire house from top to bottom. That means extra chores for everyone at this table. That also includes cleaning the attic, the basement, the garage, the backyard, the front yard and everything in between. I want this house turned upside and down, inside and out until it absolutely spotless."

Then Rita suddenly snapped her fingers.

"Oh, one more thing." Now she spoke in a slightly foreboding tone. "I noticed some of you were giving me the stink-eye, like you were contemplating future retaliation. I'm warning you all right now—if you go down that road, you better think twice. Or I will personally see to it that everything you cherish and hold dear in this house ceases to exist. Do I make myself clear?"

The kids would've gulped, but not wanting to accidentally swallow their soap beads, they exchanged nervous glances with each other.

"Yes, Mom," her children replied obediently in unison.

"Good." She then switched back to her normal tone of voice. "With that said, you may now spit out your soap beads."

The children didn't need to be told twice—they vehemently ejected the soap beads from the confines of their mouths, scattering them all over the dinner table. Then there came a mass exodus as the kids bolted from their seats and disappeared into the kitchen.

From her place at the head of the table, Rita heard the sound of running water mixed with that of her children arguing and gargling.

She then got up from her seat and went about cleaning up the strewn, saliva-laced soap beads.

—

What do you want to bet that the Loud kids trying not to swear is going to be short-lived?

I guess only time will tell.

Reviews, comments and concerns are always welcome!

Thanks again for reading!


	3. Grawlix of Duty

**Author's Note**

Hello again, everyone!

I know I said this was going to be a two-shot, but after going over what I posted last night, I felt like I could've ended this story on a better and funnier note.

I really have to learn to wean myself off posting things at 4:00 in the morning.

Hopefully, this brief little segment makes up for the ending of the previous chapter. Enjoy!

 _The Loud House_ , including its characters, episodes, and dialogue are the property of Nickelodeon and Chris Savino.

—

Chapter 3: Grawlix of Duty

Later that night in bed, Rita was doing some needlework while Lynn Sr. occupied himself with a book.

"Honey, I meant to ask you earlier, but where do you think Lily heard that expletive?" Rita asked her husband while turning to face him.

"I'm not sure, dear," he replied nonchalantly. "I thought you said it was one of the kids."

"Oh, they did swear; they used the D-word, after all. But I know they know better than to corrupt their vocabularies using _that_ kind of language. Something tells me, though, I think Lily heard _that_ particular curse word from someone else. And I know for absolute certain it wasn't me."

Lynn Sr. suddenly jerked his head upward.

"I know you were mumbling under your breath earlier today at the mall."

Lynn Sr. slowly turned his head right and met his wife's gaze. His eyes widened.

"Because it just so happened I overheard _that_ word come out of your mouth, while you were trying on the ties I picked out for you."

Beads of sweat started to form on the Loud patriarch's forehead.

"Do you have anything else you'd like to say, dear?" asked Rita in an interrogative tone.

Lynn Sr. chuckled sheepishly before the reality of the situation finally hit him.

"Oh, (Bleep). "

—

I think we have the real culprit now, don't you think?

Once again, I apologize for the bad taste I might've left in your mouths after the previous chapter.

Reviews, comments and concerns are always welcome!

Thanks again for reading!


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